Showing posts with label living with.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label living with.... Show all posts

Saturday, October 8, 2016

mental health update...

After a visit to my primary care it was decided I should start a new antidepressant. Since I have a bad reaction to most we chose to check in weekly until I could see a psych. Another crash soon followed and Randy and I decided to pay a visit to the emergency mental health facility. After a detailed review we were stuck between going inpatient for immediate assistance or starting the partial hospitalization program. We decided to do the PHP as the boys birthday was this weekend, I am still nursing and I was not an immediate risk.

I began the program Friday and am unsure if it will be the best choice. I will be discussing my concerns with my case manager on Monday to see if this or another program may be in my best interest.


I have also been taken off the antidepressant as it can make my thoughts worse and swapped to a mood stabilizer. We are attempting to see if this will be the better choice as no antidepressant has worked in the past. Unfortunately this has forced us into weaning Giddy this weekend. There are no mood stabilizers that are currently approved to breastfeed with safely, even after reviewing with Infant Risk, that will work with the speed and intensity needed.

our last nursing session
We were close to weaning as is as he only nursed at night for sleep and in the middle of the night.  It is more painful for me than anything as I hate hearing him cry and knowing I can not comfort him in the way he is looking for. He will sleep with the girls until fully weaned to avoid any temptation for myself or him. I was not anticipating this so it struck me out of left field and overwhelmed me.

Today was the boys birthday party and I decided with all of these new changes that I would follow it up with a new hair do. I have wanted short hair for over a year and no stylist would help as I can't commit to upkeep. A newer stylist friend decided to do it for me while the kids played and chopped most of it off. Nothing permanent as hair grows back but enough of a change to feel like a "new me".

Please continue praying for my family and I as these are big changes for us and overwhelming. 

Thursday, October 6, 2016

if you want a happy post go elsewhere...

You have been warned. If you want happy and joyful then please go to the labels section and find gratitude Sunday... if you want raw, exposed and feeling like garbage than please feel free to read on...

I participate in the gratitude posts mostly as a forceful reminder to myself to think of what good I do have. I am a very passionate person and can go from half full to no its empty quickly. I am unsure if it is my hormones due to my cycle, the decrease in nursing, change of weather, the boys birthday or the realization of my Gamas death anniversary but that feeling of overwhelming has hit me like a brick wall.

Some surefire ways to make you feel like a giant failure at motherhood and being a wife. A giant smack in the face that something needs to change:

"You never smile anymore. you use to be so giggly and full of joy but now you crack a smile for a second and it's gone"

Ryguy rubbing my back while I lay on the couch "You are always either at work or sleeping..."

"I have to make dinner, tend to the kids, deal with the family and clean the house and you still can't even cuddle or watch a movie with me..."

" You hate everything I like..."

The list goes on. This of course turned my self loathing into hatred and although I've struggled with suicidal thoughts before it amplified them 10x. Honestly I have struggled with this on and off for 4 years. I have reached out to my doctor and we are starting with a treatment plan. He is surprised as can be that we have fought these demons for this long with nothing bad happening. My previous tools are no longer working and apparently I need some new ones. I am praying for hope, guidance and mostly peace through this transition as honestly it scares the ever loving crap out of me.  I also need prayers for healing. This emotional roller coaster I am on is throwing my fibro nuts. I honestly feel as if I have the flu but I don't. Just the stress. If I am gone for awhile please don't worry and please just keep my family in your thoughts as we are going to need all the help we can get at this point.

*hugs*



Monday, September 5, 2016

a family weekend



Some time to reflect on the last few weeks and share some things that have made me grateful.
 No time to be depressed when you are happy for what you have.
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a fishing filled weekend that resulted in over 16 fish caught...
 
a handpicked bouquet by the birthday girl and our pastor's wife that owns a flower shop. She made sure it was completely in our budget and even provided a pink vase to make her feel special. It was completely worth the $10....
 
finding shells while Daddy and Mark fished. We have never found shells off the local lake so it was exciting to find over 20...
 
Signing up for our naturepal exchange.... 

canning over 40 jars of tomatoes and giving the rest to our family and church. After a time of going hungry and relying on food stamps it is so rewarding to give back to people that helped us. 

seeing Nanners turn into a caring and considerate little lady. I have struggled with a killer headache the last few days, mostly from the changing weather and upcoming moon cycle, and its kicked me in the tail. I have survived only on the cocktail they give in the ER from home but it leaves me in a bit of a fog and exhausted. Nanners tucked me in last night and rubbed my back telling me to go to sleep. She has a servant's heart and it warms my soul to know I birthed this child and she loves nothing more to care for others...
 
a pottery painting birthday gift as some bonding time with Nanners and Ryguy...




 
preparing for Michaelmas and the inner work time to tame our dragons...
 
What are you thankful for lately?
 



Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Sorry for the MIA...

I will be blogging a bit less due to simple energy conservation.

 I have started physical therapy due to my back and shoulders getting worse.  It has been very hard and discouraging as my muscles are revolting horribly due to being so knotted. 3 times a week is rough when some days I can't lift my arms to start. There is talks now of cortisone or saline shots in order to force them to cooperate but we will reevaluate in several weeks to see if it will be needed.

It often feels that my body is broken due to how damaged it is however I do know that this healing will take time a lot of energy. Thank you for being patient with me while I fight this in order to be fully here for my kids.

My great reminder to keep at it while going through this intense therapy.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

You look tired....

I get it.

You are trying to engage in small talk and be sympathetic. You see my wrangling my overactive toddler while reminding my preschooler to use walking feet in the hallway. You see me at work punching in for yet another day of mandatory overtime with my hands shaking.




"You look so tired."


........yeah I know.



However what you don't know is I just popped about 4 RX pain pills in order to even make it to the building. I am wearing my brace not to just support my wrists but to get a better grip on my child so I don't drop him. I have 4 layers of clothing on to try to regulate my body temperature as cold makes everything worse. I pulled yet another muscle in my back so raising my hands above my head is out of the question and of course I'm trying to play keep away from the baby.




"You look tired" has become an insult to me. It is a nicer, polite way to say " you look exhausted and are about to collapse and I don't even understand how you are functioning and here"



To be honest, I don't know how I'm here some days either....



So please, enjoy my company. Talk to me and say "I'm happy to see you and I'm glad you came." Talk to me about anything else. I'll pull through as always and it just might convince me to fight again to come back.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Content and exhausted...

Some time to reflect on the last week and share some things that have made me grateful.
No time to be depressed when you are happy for what you have.
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...wool socks. For real. If you do not own a pair, or 3, you need to. I promise. You will thank me later.



...passing emissions testing on the first try with my car. This never ever happens and we usually end up with crazy repairs needed before we can get new license plates. 




...receiving Shemp's body and paw print back. Made it even more surreal but actually put me at peace to know he is home again.



...getting through a successful Polar Express run at work. This my be our last year doing it so Nanners, Ryguy, Mark and got to experience a train for the first time. Completely magical.



... a final realization that it is truly ok for me to be on the medications I am on. I was worried for a long time about becoming an addict as our family is full of them however this month has been a true realization of how much I have gotten my life back. Months ago I couldn't stay awake past 6pm and if you had mentioned the word overtime at work I would have laughed in your face. This month I have worked over 25 hours of OT alone and am now able to stay awake past 8pm. Bedtime is at the latest of 9 so I'm *living dangerously* but it is fabulous progress.  



...having enough paid time off to take a day when I finally crashed to sleep for 3 hours.


...a 3 1/2 day holiday weekend to enjoy with my kids.


...as horrible I hate to admit. Monster.


...a brother who decides to spend his free time with his nieces and nephews and babysits almost on demand.  

Friday, July 17, 2015

Living with fibro...


Living with fibromyalgia. Every few months I am hoping to check in to share and document what has been working, what has failed and how I am not just surviving but living with my diagnosis.

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As a bit of background I am diagnosed with severe depression, arthritis, carpel tunnel, tmj and fibromyalgia. Many of these overlap and most of the time aggravate each other terribly. I felt for a very long time that I “turned in my crunchy card” when I started taking prescriptions for some of these. My end goal is to be completely off medication however I am realistic that it might not be possible and that’s ok too. I need to be around and active for my family so pride needs to be put aside.

 

Daily I have begun taking several supplements to keep everything manageable which I have noticed an increase in energy and somewhat of a reduction in my stiffness and muscle pain. I really do enjoy not needing to go to bed at 5:30 daily. It also has increased my appetite which is good as having a consistent weight has always been a challenge for me. Here is a list of my everyday regimen and how they help.


Deep blue complex I am a wholesale member of Doterra but I am not interested in selling now or ever. If you want information please, please let me know and I can point you to people that can help. I just know what helps me.  It reduces stiffness and muscle soreness.

Magnesium oxide- A majority of people in our society have a magnesium deficiency. This type of magnesium is the best absorbed by the body. It helps with energy, depression and muscle pain.

Meloxicam- My rx for an anti-inflammatory

Fermented cod liver oil/ butter oil -  This works on joints, vitamin d and pretty much everything. I do get it cheaper somewhere else but its good stuff.

Probiotic gummies – This helps the belly with the mess I’ve been dealing with. Good for everyone and the kids take the same.

Sleep- I get no less than 8 hour a day. I honestly need 9 some days but am decent on a little less.

 

 

All of the above normally can keep it under control. Stress, lack of sleep, stress, and the weather seem to be my biggest triggers for pain. Some of which I can control and others not so much. Daily if I start experiencing pain I use some of these following tools to keep it under control:

Hot scalding bath with Epsom salts with either lavender or Deep Blue oil mixed

Heating pads- Several are placed strategically around the house and I have on at my desk at work.

Sunglasses- These are like the heating pads and used everywhere even indoors at work.

Naps – Sleep fixes almost everything so can be used to help combat it

Wrist braces

Magnar- Dogs give me something to focus on and makes me get up and take him out and work on his training while he is still a puppy. I have been working on more specific commands with him and he has been doing fabulous.

 

At some points during any given month the weather, stress, lack of sleep and energy catch up to me and knocks me down. The only solution for those days are take 1500mg of Tylenol, Somas ( muscle relaxers) and go to sleep for several hours. These days are becoming even fewer in frequency but seem to be when all 3 are working against me.

 

It may seem a lot of resources but it helps combat all of the pain and fatigue I deal with daily.