Sunday, October 9, 2016

The winds of change

Some time to reflect on the last week and share some things that have made me grateful.
 No time to be depressed when you are happy for what you have.

finally learning the crocodile stitch for crochet. It only took me 3 years...
spending a day with friends that truly love my kids.

sleeping babies after unable to breastfeed. I was able to rock him to sleep after his birthday party since he was exhausted.

starting new medication and trying to be hopeful for healing.

our last breastfeeding session and his placenta photo in the background.
two birthday boys.
a visit from Sora the dog the night before the party. Sora was the one friend Ryguy had asked to come to his party but he was unable to attend on Saturday. His owner kindly decided to let us have him Friday night to play and bond with the boys. 

a friend from high school decorating the boys birthday cake with the perfect Scooby Doo colors.

What are you thankful for this week?

Saturday, October 8, 2016

mental health update...

After a visit to my primary care it was decided I should start a new antidepressant. Since I have a bad reaction to most we chose to check in weekly until I could see a psych. Another crash soon followed and Randy and I decided to pay a visit to the emergency mental health facility. After a detailed review we were stuck between going inpatient for immediate assistance or starting the partial hospitalization program. We decided to do the PHP as the boys birthday was this weekend, I am still nursing and I was not an immediate risk.

I began the program Friday and am unsure if it will be the best choice. I will be discussing my concerns with my case manager on Monday to see if this or another program may be in my best interest.

I have also been taken off the antidepressant as it can make my thoughts worse and swapped to a mood stabilizer. We are attempting to see if this will be the better choice as no antidepressant has worked in the past. Unfortunately this has forced us into weaning Giddy this weekend. There are no mood stabilizers that are currently approved to breastfeed with safely, even after reviewing with Infant Risk, that will work with the speed and intensity needed.

our last nursing session
We were close to weaning as is as he only nursed at night for sleep and in the middle of the night.  It is more painful for me than anything as I hate hearing him cry and knowing I can not comfort him in the way he is looking for. He will sleep with the girls until fully weaned to avoid any temptation for myself or him. I was not anticipating this so it struck me out of left field and overwhelmed me.

Today was the boys birthday party and I decided with all of these new changes that I would follow it up with a new hair do. I have wanted short hair for over a year and no stylist would help as I can't commit to upkeep. A newer stylist friend decided to do it for me while the kids played and chopped most of it off. Nothing permanent as hair grows back but enough of a change to feel like a "new me".

Please continue praying for my family and I as these are big changes for us and overwhelming. 

Thursday, October 6, 2016

if you want a happy post go elsewhere...

You have been warned. If you want happy and joyful then please go to the labels section and find gratitude Sunday... if you want raw, exposed and feeling like garbage than please feel free to read on...

I participate in the gratitude posts mostly as a forceful reminder to myself to think of what good I do have. I am a very passionate person and can go from half full to no its empty quickly. I am unsure if it is my hormones due to my cycle, the decrease in nursing, change of weather, the boys birthday or the realization of my Gamas death anniversary but that feeling of overwhelming has hit me like a brick wall.

Some surefire ways to make you feel like a giant failure at motherhood and being a wife. A giant smack in the face that something needs to change:

"You never smile anymore. you use to be so giggly and full of joy but now you crack a smile for a second and it's gone"

Ryguy rubbing my back while I lay on the couch "You are always either at work or sleeping..."

"I have to make dinner, tend to the kids, deal with the family and clean the house and you still can't even cuddle or watch a movie with me..."

" You hate everything I like..."

The list goes on. This of course turned my self loathing into hatred and although I've struggled with suicidal thoughts before it amplified them 10x. Honestly I have struggled with this on and off for 4 years. I have reached out to my doctor and we are starting with a treatment plan. He is surprised as can be that we have fought these demons for this long with nothing bad happening. My previous tools are no longer working and apparently I need some new ones. I am praying for hope, guidance and mostly peace through this transition as honestly it scares the ever loving crap out of me.  I also need prayers for healing. This emotional roller coaster I am on is throwing my fibro nuts. I honestly feel as if I have the flu but I don't. Just the stress. If I am gone for awhile please don't worry and please just keep my family in your thoughts as we are going to need all the help we can get at this point.


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Nature walk finds

This morning we went on a hunt looking for leaves to dip in beeswax however found better treasures!  Three distinct mushrooms all with different personalities, colors and shapes. We are testing spore prints now with the instructions from here

We are so excited to share some of these prints with our friends from the nature pal exchange. 
1 week until deadline!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Lots of breakdowns and new appliances

Some time to reflect on the last week and share some things that have made me grateful.
 No time to be depressed when you are happy for what you have.

learning a new skill to enhance our nature walks and exchanges. *new blog post to follow*

 finally getting custody of Mark's bird from his mother's house. She is fitting it quite nicely however we are having to work a bit harder than anticipated to socialize her as she sat forgotten for a long time...

 my brother graciously buying us a new washing machine 3 times bigger than our previous model that recently caught on fire. Luckily no damage was done to the house after it sparked.

stars made from our goldenrod dyed yarn. These will be for headbands for the Michaelmas seasons.

after a basement flooding due to a broken sump pump I found some old family photos. Anyone else see my brother and Giddy?
being able to afford a new sump pump.

finally making the 100 list for homeschooling blogs. Please feel free to check out some of the other blogs here

finally finishing Gid's placenta painting to hang on our wall. Its only 2 years late but finally done!

late night selfies while toddler wearing. It was the only way to save my arms and back from the constant up/down that the little king demanded.

and the most meaningful for last...

 yesterday I had the privilege of having my house overrun with laughing/screaming children and a few hardworking men and women to help install a new furnace for us. Our good friend nominated us and Compass Heating and Air came out to install the new Lennox furnace, all for free. It is super small and quiet compared to our 20 year old beast and everyone had a great time despite the crappy weather and setbacks in the install. I feel very blessed right now to still have some good in our not so nice world. This complete build was worth several thousand dollars and it costed more than anticipated as we had even more defective and cracked pieces than we all could have imagined. 
Thank you again everyone who made yesterday a success.