intentional

Every year i see the challenge of one word for the new year. Every year it seems a good idea however I never decide on one and it falls to the wayside as I can never apply it to all aspects of my life. This year however I prayed about it and kept coming back to the word intentional.

to be intentional with simple pleasures and increase baking with my littles....

to be intentional with my dog training since the little butt-head brings me so much joy...

to be more intentional with my yoga practice. I have invested in the perfect body yoga program and my goal is to complete the 8 week program twice this year....

to be more intentional with my prayers....

 To pray daily as it has been something that has slipped over the years. I can not expect my kids to have a close relationship with the Lord if I don't. 

to be more intentional in observing nature....

 I am learning to paint birds and the traits between them and it made me happy to have Ryguy put together a plush toy of a cardinal and find him in the book after we located him outside.

Are there any of you that focus on a word for a year? What was your choice for 2017?

Thanksgiving thanks

Some time to reflect on the last week and share some things that have made me grateful.

 No time to be depressed when you are happy for what you have.

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...a certain Giddy boy falling asleep on his own with no rocking, nursing or nonstop singing... bittersweet.

...a best friend coming to visit and spending most of the time entertaining my littles so I could make a necessary phone call for a new doctor.  No hesitation for doing Nanners hair or making Christmas Crack with them.

...the old lady still being with us for another holiday. She experienced another stroke recently so we are blessed she is still alive

...a successful discharge from my IOP program.

...beginning work again although I'm still not asleep as of yet, and should be, I am super excited. 

.....I am very happy I work for such an understanding company regarding my leave and people were squealing to see me back in the office. 

 

 

... finding a brand new homeopath and getting off the mood stabilizers with no bad effects. The RXs gave me nothing but issues but I feel this new homeopath might have some great insight to help me. 

... for a devoted husband. I know I often don't say it enough but he has stood by my side through everything.  He has put up with borderline verbal abuse and mood swings from hell. I know I have not been the easiest to deal with and I am grateful that he has put up with  my crap and doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.

 

 

if you want a happy post go elsewhere...

You have been warned. If you want happy and joyful then please go to the labels section and find gratitude Sunday... if you want raw, exposed and feeling like garbage than please feel free to read on...

I participate in the gratitude posts mostly as a forceful reminder to myself to think of what good I do have. I am a very passionate person and can go from half full to no its empty quickly. I am unsure if it is my hormones due to my cycle, the decrease in nursing, change of weather, the boys birthday or the realization of my Gamas death anniversary but that feeling of overwhelming has hit me like a brick wall.

Some surefire ways to make you feel like a giant failure at motherhood and being a wife. A giant smack in the face that something needs to change:

"You never smile anymore. you use to be so giggly and full of joy but now you crack a smile for a second and it's gone"

Ryguy rubbing my back while I lay on the couch "You are always either at work or sleeping..."

"I have to make dinner, tend to the kids, deal with the family and clean the house and you still can't even cuddle or watch a movie with me..."

" You hate everything I like..."

The list goes on. This of course turned my self loathing into hatred and although I've struggled with suicidal thoughts before it amplified them 10x. Honestly I have struggled with this on and off for 4 years. I have reached out to my doctor and we are starting with a treatment plan. He is surprised as can be that we have fought these demons for this long with nothing bad happening. My previous tools are no longer working and apparently I need some new ones. I am praying for hope, guidance and mostly peace through this transition as honestly it scares the ever loving crap out of me.  I also need prayers for healing. This emotional roller coaster I am on is throwing my fibro nuts. I honestly feel as if I have the flu but I don't. Just the stress. If I am gone for awhile please don't worry and please just keep my family in your thoughts as we are going to need all the help we can get at this point.

*hugs*