Monday, June 1, 2015

Gratefulness: a goal to be pain free

This grateful day is a little bit different than most. A peek into "mom world".

 For years I've struggled with pain and fatigue. My joints pop and crack more than most people double or triple my age. In high school the running joke was I was going to need a hip replacement before age 25, getting close but not there yet. Even while dating my now husband would text me and it would be 3 hours until I responded simply because I laid down and slept at 5pm. Its frustrating and to be honest sucks many days as I can't be the mother and wife I need to be.

The final straw was a few months ago when I was so exhausted I ended up needing to sleep 16-17 hours a day in order to think straight and function. Laying so still to avoid the pain. I was frustrated, upset and depressed. I called my doctor and said " Something has got to give".

About 30 vials of blood and several physicals later all the doctors looked at me the same...

"There is nothing physically wrong with you".

What do you mean NOTHING is wrong with me? I finally got some good referrals and last week ended up in a neurologists office. Sitting next to my little Asian doctor my husband and I went through everything. He finally looked at me and said " Your blood work and all neuro tests are good. The dx that you have is Fibromyalgia and beginning stages of arthritis and carpel tunnel . Although you hate medications you have been dealing with this for over 6 years. It will be years before you are off medications and might be a good while until we can get it fully under control and manageable."

As bitter and straightforward as it was I appreciated his honesty. I appreciated knowing he will be there for the haul but it will take awhile. It kills me to have to give in and realize that right now my natural remedies aren't enough. It is a personal battle of mine, not that I view I am weak for taking medications, but that there is something so wrong with my body that I can't help myself. I feel as if my body has failed me and my family as I can't be who I need to be for them.

This grateful Sunday is me trying to be hopeful. Grateful that we might possibly have solutions to make everyday living possible for me again. Grateful we have medications available to try even though it will be a very hard battle as I react horribly to them.

Hopeful that I can do a 2 hour shopping trip without needing a 3 hour nap to recover.

Hopeful that I can take my kids to the zoo and enjoy walking and being with them.

Hopeful that I can spend a night awake past 8 pm to spend time with my husband after all my little have gone to bed.

So I ask, please pray for me. Pray that these meds will not kick my tail too bad. Pray I can look at this as an opportunity to be there for my family again. Pray that my husband remains patient during this hard time as it has taken a toll on him with me not being there.

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