Thursday, October 6, 2016

if you want a happy post go elsewhere...

You have been warned. If you want happy and joyful then please go to the labels section and find gratitude Sunday... if you want raw, exposed and feeling like garbage than please feel free to read on...

I participate in the gratitude posts mostly as a forceful reminder to myself to think of what good I do have. I am a very passionate person and can go from half full to no its empty quickly. I am unsure if it is my hormones due to my cycle, the decrease in nursing, change of weather, the boys birthday or the realization of my Gamas death anniversary but that feeling of overwhelming has hit me like a brick wall.

Some surefire ways to make you feel like a giant failure at motherhood and being a wife. A giant smack in the face that something needs to change:

"You never smile anymore. you use to be so giggly and full of joy but now you crack a smile for a second and it's gone"

Ryguy rubbing my back while I lay on the couch "You are always either at work or sleeping..."

"I have to make dinner, tend to the kids, deal with the family and clean the house and you still can't even cuddle or watch a movie with me..."

" You hate everything I like..."

The list goes on. This of course turned my self loathing into hatred and although I've struggled with suicidal thoughts before it amplified them 10x. Honestly I have struggled with this on and off for 4 years. I have reached out to my doctor and we are starting with a treatment plan. He is surprised as can be that we have fought these demons for this long with nothing bad happening. My previous tools are no longer working and apparently I need some new ones. I am praying for hope, guidance and mostly peace through this transition as honestly it scares the ever loving crap out of me.  I also need prayers for healing. This emotional roller coaster I am on is throwing my fibro nuts. I honestly feel as if I have the flu but I don't. Just the stress. If I am gone for awhile please don't worry and please just keep my family in your thoughts as we are going to need all the help we can get at this point.


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